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Trapped between Fearless and Afraid

I’ve always tried to live my life with no restrictions. I never want to miss out on an opportunity because I’m afraid of what might happen next. It’s just who I am and you can see that in every aspect of my life. I fall too hard and too fastĀ because I don’t want to miss out on love. I am down for pretty much any adventure at any time of the day. I throw myself head first into far too many activities until I eventually burn out and spend a week in bed to recover. I love being busy and I adore trying new things.

I feel as though I’m trapped sometimes because I am also a very anxious person. So once I make a decision to dive head first into something I am still stuck worrying about the consequences. I struggle because although I am usually happy with my decisions I still find myself absolutely terrified about what will happen if it doesn’t work out. I spend so much time worrying about the future and being terrified of it but I live my life in the present so fearlessly. I’m trapped somewhere between fearless and afraid and I don’t know how to break free.

I want to live fearlessly with no fear of what will happen. I don’t want to spend so many nights trying to catch my breath. I want certainty. I want to know what my life will look like in 10 years so I can stop worrying about how what I do now will affect my future. I want stability but I yearn for adventure.

I have always hated the unknown. I think that’s why I’ve never been a fan of the dark; there is no certainty in what’s lurking beyond. My anxiety consumes me with what-if scenarios and my mind turns like a tilt-a-whirl. I wish that God would give me little crumbs of the truth as my life goes on. Little clues of reassurance to what the future may hold: Who I’ll marry, what my job will be, where will I live, and most importantly will I be happy? I don’t want the future to come now by any means. I love these precious years of my life that are filled with freedom, adventure, and minimal responsibilities. I simply want to know what the future holds so I can stop being afraid and simply be fearless. Is that too much to ask?

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