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Let it all out

Today was a day I just felt like I had to write about. Not the specifics of what I did or who I spoke to, but I feel like something changed within me today and maybe if I write it down the change will stick.

Normally, I would journal about my innermost thoughts and life struggles, but today I thought being raw and honest was a good first step in the right direction.

I’ve recently realized I haven’t been the person I want to be. I haven’t been the positive, bubbly, kind person I like to think of myself as, and I want that to change starting now.

I spend a lot of my time searching for something that is never found when you look for it: love. It’s irrational to feel like at the age of 20 if I don’t find it now I never will, but it seems like everyone around me is in love or at least falling and the only thing I’m falling for is the idea of watching another episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. 

I yearn for that person that I can call at 3am to tell my dream to when I wake up in the middle of the night. I can’t wait for someone who will embark on random adventures with me, or make everyday tasks seem like an adventure. I dream of the person who will make me laugh until my stomach hurts, but will also hold me together when I’m falling apart. More than anything I want to give love and be loved in return.

My search for love has led me to all of the wrong places. I am coming to the realization that my future husband is probably not hiding out at a bar or living it up at a frat party. Not only do I search for love in these places I try to pursue it, even if it’s clearly going to end with endless amounts of ice cream and a broken heart.

So this brings me to my first promise: I vow to stop searching for love, because I trust that when I am ready for it, God will give it to me.

Promise number two is related to promise number one: I vow to always recognize my worth.

My search for love has caused me to settle, or accept treatment that is less than I deserve. Oftentimes I will sell myself short, or allow any one person to affect my worth. My new mantra: “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” I am choosing to recognize that I am a child of God, and I am exactly as he intended me to be. I am strong, passionate and loving. I’m going to start recognizing the beautiful parts of me instead of letting anyone tear me down.

On that note, I will never let rejection affect my self-esteem. I have come to the conclusion that some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers and they often come in the form of rejection. Just because I wasn’t right for a job, person or internship doesn’t mean that I was not good enough. It simply means it wasn’t the right time or place or maybe something better is right behind the corner.

Promise number three: I vow to forgive.

I have never been someone who holds grudges. I have always given people second chances, often causing myself more pain in the process, but lately I have been having a hard time with forgiveness. I know that I need to forgive, because God has been putting it on my heart, and I know this forgiveness will set me free but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it. So, if you’re reading this, pray for me and my journey towards forgiveness.

Promise number four: I vow to not talk badly about people, or create unnecessary drama.

I know at times this will be difficult for me, but I am choosing to recognize the good in everyone. I am going to try  to spread kindness through every situation.

Promise number five: I vow going to radiate positivity.

I try to remain a fairly positive person, but I know I can do better. I am going to try to start each day by hopping out of bed with a smile on my face instead of pressing the snooze button 29 times. I am going to remember that though I may have a lot to do in a little amount of time, I am very blessed with the opportunities I have been given. I am going to try to be a little ray of sunshine, laughter and love.

Promise number six: I vow to be a better friend.

There are people in my life who deserve my friendship, and quite frankly people in my life who do not. I haven’t been focusing enough of my time on the people that do. There are so many beautiful people in my life who have always made my world a better place, and I need to appreciate them more. I need to make a conscious effort to spend more time with the people I love, and not focus on those who are causing me pain.

These six promises are major life changes, and I’m not expecting to see improvement over night, but when I look back a year from now I want to know I am better than I was before. I want to grow, and realize the person I am becomming is someone I would be proud to know.

I may not know what exactly I want to do with my life, but I do know who I want to be.

I want to be someone who exhales kindness and love with every breath.


One Comment

  1. I love it!! You go Taylor! Proud of you!

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