Every since I was a little girl I’ve always felt everything so deeply, and all at once. School girl crushes left me in tears, and every harsh word broke me. I would cry over the tragedies that happened all over the world; tragedies that had no effect on me or even those around me would leave me unhinged. I care so deeply for people and I can’t imagine how another human being could purposely cause another pain.
And so began a life filled with getting my hopes up. I believe the best in people. I expect people to be inherently good. I trust everyone until they give me a reason not too and even them I forgive easily and learn to trust again quickly. This is my best and worst trait. I have so much love to give and because of that I want to accept love in return. I crave love in return.
College is not great for those who crave love because we get taken advantage of. Douchey frat boys prey on my naivety. They whisper sweet nothings in my ear and convince me that they actually like me for my personality. They try their best to hold a conversation with me about my hopes and dreams as they slide their hand down my back. And I. I believe them. I fall for their games and advances. I have faith that they will call or text. That we will go on a real date and this could be the start of something wonderful. I have been proven wrong every. single. time.
It’s my second semester of college and I’ve met enough boys to know that any boy you meet at a bar, or a frat party is likely not looking for anything remotely serious. Even boys you meet through other outlets are often just looking for a body to use; a body to release their sexual frustration upon and that’s not fair. As a women, as a person, I deserve so much more than that.
It would be one thing if these boys straight up said, “Hey you know what, all I want from you is sex.” at least then I would know what I was getting into and could politely decline but these boys lie, manipulate, and convince me that they are different, that they actually like me.
Living in this hookup culture has ruined my self-esteem. I live in a constant struggle between loving myself and wondering why I’m not good enough to be loved the way I want to be loved. Why I’m not good enough to receive a simple text, or a little honesty. It’s hard to realize that it’s not me and I shouldn’t take it personally but it’s even harder to not catch the feels.
No matter how many times I tell myself that all college boys are the same I still find myself in the same situation, a small sliver of hope that ends up leaving me with a broken heart every single time.
I haven’t quite figured out how to not let my optimism lead me to pain. I haven’t quite figured out how to not care when I am disappointed yet again. But I do know that one day that sliver of hope will prove to be true and some boy maybe even a boy at this wonderful university will sweep me off my feet.
Until then, I’m going to try and stay optimistic and grit my teeth with every heartbreak. I’m going to stay hopeful and try and remain patient as I try to wait for God to send me my knight in shining armour. I pray the wait is short because patience is not one of the gifts God gave me. I will wait because I have no choice and I will learn to love myself the way I deserve to be loved so that when I’m pleasantly surprised by a boy who wants more than a nice piece of ass I’ll be ready because you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.