Ever been with someone whose sweet like chocolate but kind of makes you feel like if you breathe them in for too long your lungs will explode?
Intoxication by design is meant to make us lose our senses-feel a little reckless and out of control, but what happens when the intoxication isn’t coming from a substance but a person? How can someones presence leave you reeling in a way that it’s almost as if you don’t know what is happening, or how you got to where you are? It’s a little terrifying with a dash of exhilarating. Complicated is an understatement, because you know falling is dangerous. Theres a good chance he might not catch you. You’re so wrapped up in trying to figure out who this mysterious human being is that you just might get stuck in the cracks and trip and fall anyway. It’s as if you have no control over what happens to you. This heart throb is the vodka that slides down your throat on Friday after a long week. It’s sick but strangely satisfying. This addiction could kill you, but the thrill of the high and want for the next fix keeps you coming back for more.
Begging for answers is useless, because no matter what you want out of the situation you’re not in control. You can pretend that you will be strong enough to walk away if he tells you he can’t stay, but you know that you won’t. You will stay anyway- with the small sliver of hope that you’ll be the one to change him. You want to ask him what he wants from you, and if he ever see’s you two being something serious, but every time the words reach your tongue the smoke chokes them down. You’re forced to swallow your thoughts until you’ve learned to be okay with whatever answer he may give you. You must learn that you’re not special enough to change him- no one is. Learning that is easier said than done so you keep quiet, and let your overanalyzed thoughts consume you.
You’re unsure. You’re confused by his actions. He’s sweet then sour with the flip of the switch, and you don’t know if he’s moody or is just trying to get what he wants out of you. His sweetness is could merely be a side effect of his desire. He speaks in the same language you do, yet understanding the way he thinks is a barrier you might never break down. He’s the textbook you bought for Chemistry last year- even though you knew what was in the book like that back of your hand you still failed the test.
Knowing the information he gives you is one thing understanding who he is, is something else entirely. For now all you can do is pray that he realizes your heart is fragile, and you had no choice in the matter of giving it to him. You can’t decide when you do and when you don’t get hurt. You can’t decide who gets your heart, and who will only leave you lying there gasping for air. Your mind is not in control, and it’s important to remember the same is true for him. He has feelings too regardless of if he wears them on his sleeve like you do.
At the end of the day you accept that you will never know how he feels until he trusts you entirely. You accept that he’s likely been hurt too, and he just wears his scars differently than you do. You accept that he might be just another guy to walk into your life and promptly walk back out, but you also accept that you will never know until you try. Maybe, just maybe, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Maybe the smoke will clear.