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Desperation

I’ve changed. My friends have noticed. I notice. I’m a different person than I was three years ago, as are most of us. I used to be someone who was superficial and did whatever was cool to fit in. I was a pushover and would let people walk all over me if in turn they labeled me as cool. I hid eccentric parts of my personality in an attempt to be normal. I conformed to the wants of those around me because I was so desperate to be loved and accepted.

Now, I don’t pretend to be someone I”m not.  I try to be myself all of the time but because I hid that person for so long I don’t really know who she is. I know she is passionate. I know she feels things with every ounce of her being no matter how trivial. I know that she loves very deeply. I know that she can’t stand liars and pointless conversations. I know she sometimes acts out because she needs to feel something. I know she tries to expect the best in people. I know she is scared of being alone for another minute. I know she thinks with her heart. I know that she sees the world in black and white. I know that at the end of the day she is still the same girl who is desperately trying to be loved and that instead of finding it superficially she allows it to eat her alive. I know that she has been hurt time and time again but still wears her heart on her sleeve and falls deeply without hesitation. I know that this is one of her greatest strengths and most painful weakness. I know that sometimes she is attention seeking because she is so lonely and just wants everything to be okay even if only for a moment. I know she questions her faith and hates herself for it because she can’t understand how a loving God could allow her depression to consume her. I know her anxiety often leaves her breathless and terrified of the future. I know that she is a positive person trapped in the mind of someone who has depression and that kills her because she wants to believe the world is sunshine and butterflies but she can’t. I know that she wants to skip to the part of her life that is more certain because right now is a huge mess of unknown. I know all these things yet I still feel so lost as to who I am, and where I’m headed.

The worst part about this part of my life is the uncertainty. I don’t know how many more heartbreaks I will have to go through before I find Mr. Right. I don’t know what my major will be or how my grades will effect how I get there. I don’t know if the waves of depression will ever stop coming over me. I don’t know if my friendships will make it through the summer. I don’t know if I will be successful. Most importantly I don’t know if I will be happy and that is terrifying.

I’m trying to accept the unknown and enjoy the present but it feels as if the present is the same thing day after day. I want to do something meaningful. I don’t want to spend my time having small talk with people. I don’t want to study for tests so that I can have a number define me. I want to do things that matter and meet people that will be important to me for the rest of my life. I want to help people and heal people and really make a difference. I want to feel something other than this loneliness.I want to be loved by someone as deeply as I love them. I want to know who I am and be proud of that person.  I want to be extraordinary. I’m desperate to be extraordinary.

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